Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
A Course in Miracles
This is the first time I’ve been single on Valentine’s Day in a very long time. It’s something I always dreaded. I am pleased to report: I feel better on this v-day than any other in recent history.
We are all navigating love in all our relationships: friends, family, our beloved(s) and most importantly self-love. We are all doing our best.
I’ve always been really hard on myself when it came to romantic love. Since age 18 it’s been easy for me to meet someone, dive heart-first into a relationship, and fall in love. I’m what you’d call a “serial monogamist.” I’ve said I love you to 7 people in a timespan of 15 years. I don’t know what that means. For a while I thought something was seriously wrong with me. Am I ‘Addicted to love’ like the hit 80s tune?
I’m letting go of shame over my ability to fall into relationships and into love. I’ve carried a butt load of shame about my collection of relationships. I spent more of my 20s in relationships than single. The more ex-boyfriends i accrued, the more reluctant I became to tell each new partner there were so many before him.
Not to mention the immense shame I felt each time one of those relationships ended. It was like there goes another failed attempt at love.
I felt like I had a screw loose. That something was fundamentally wrong with me. How was it that I could find these men and fall in love and then out of love so easily? I had gotten really adept at the process.
Turns out all these partners were exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed them to reflect back to me what I needed to work through. Some people can do this solo- I guess my growth thrived from the influence of relationships, especially the ones that seemed exceedingly unhealthy.
It’s been 7 months since my last serious relationship ended. Full transparency: I’ve been dating since then and I’ve met some pretty remarkable men. But I haven’t fallen in love with any of them.
This is a record for me. And I know it’s because there’s someone else. It’s me.
I’m learning what it means to love myself. Not in an ego way. But in a deep, soulful way. I finally understand now that the more I am able to accept and love myself exactly as I am, the more space I create for a fitting partner who accepts and loves themselves in the same way.
So this is my love path right now. There’s no rule book for love. Sure there are plenty of books out there about love but honestly there is no one right way to navigate love and relationships. As one of my friends once told me: The heart’s truth is never convenient.
Sometimes we meet people at what seems like the most inopportune time- but our heart soars just from the simplest exchange with them. And sometimes we meet people who seem perfect in theory! On paper they are exactly what we thought we wanted. But when we try to put the pieces together it just doesn’t fit.
We all have to ride the infinite feelings and adventures of love. We all have a unique path and hopefully we can offer some help to each other along the way. And whether we have a partner or not, may we all remember to keep filling up our self-love tank.
Here’s to love.